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WHAT THE SOUTH SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE NORTH

THINGS THE SOUTH SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE NORTH

 

We really don’t see the point of NASCAR.

 

We don’t understand how you manage to elect inept and uninformed politicians. (Not like our are much better)

 

In general, we are better educated, have a higher standard of living, have fewer children out of wedlock, and have fewer citizens on welfare. 

 

We don’t want your guns, as we have our own. But we aren’t always happy about what you shoot at. 

 

Ohio and Florida are practically the same state. 

 

Not like we’re perfect, but you could treat your women and minorities better.

 

Jesus preached love, kindness, and tolerance. For Yankees too. 

 

And Jesus was a Jew. 

 

Those white sheets make YOU look inferior. 

 

General Sherman was an underachiever. 

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You guys broke away from us in the Civil War. We wanted to keep us together. By the way, that was one hundred fifty years ago. 

 

Lincoln was a great president. John Wilkes Booth was a demented assassin. 

 

Some of the Old Testament seems fairly ludicrous in the day and age.  Can you take Leviticus seriously?

 

We have country people too. 

 

We will usually favor Willie over whatever twang with a hat Nashville is throwing at us.

 

And we tend to like the old country music. 

 

Not all people are equal, but everyone should be treated equally. 

 

Everyone’s a little bit redneck.

 

We love your cuisine, but not the bulging waistlines and clogged arteries we get from it. 

 

Incest is not a family right or privilege. It’s just plain wrong. 

 

Some of your accents make you sound dignified and refined. Other accents make you sound like an undeveloped troglodyte. 

 

Yes, we love football too.

 

You have produced some of the greater people, ideas, and things in the history of the world. Please don’t let your negative history overshadow them. 

 

We trust government a little more than you do, but not by much.

 

It is impolite to beat your wives, children , and animals. 

 

We secretly adore your drive-thru liquor stores. Your drive-thru gun shops; not so much. 

 

Larry the Cable isn’t very funny.

 

And why is the Duck Dynasty family and Honey Boo Boo even on the air?

 

Mexicans are our friends, and they probably work harder than you do. 

 

Homophobia is a choice. Homosexuality is not. Do you think gays really want to be bullied and chastised?

 

Bacon has no equal.

 

The Confederate flag may be a source of pride for you, but to us it is a symbol of racism, ignorance, and intolerance. 

 

The people in the Northeast can be rude because it gets pretty darn cold and hot there.

 

That said, your summers can be brutal.

 

Not all of us like really sweet tea.

 

The apprentice class that came to the South four hundred years ago is exactly in the same socio-economic standing today. No other immigrant group in America can claim such a lack of upward mobility. 

 

Why wear a cowboy hat if you don’t have any cattle?

 

Republicans don’t always stand up for the little guy. Not like Democrats are much better. 

 

No one loves the welfare state, but not every citizen has the same abilities and advantages in life. And you have more of those people. 

 

Jews are not inherently evil. And they don’t have horns and eat Christian babies. 

 

Canada may be America’s hat, but Mexico is not America’s colon. 

 

We won the war, and we’ll win again if you want to have another go at it.

 

The Northeast and the Midwest have produced more serial killers than the South. o you’ve got that going for you.

 

California really is nice, thus, the people are nice. Even if all that sun and weed tweaks their brains. 

 

Thomas Jefferson freed his slaves before he died. And slavery is still illegal in America.

 

Meth is bad. We’ve got it here too, but we don’t call it hillbilly heroin. 

 

Being a patriot makes you a good citizen . Being a violent xenophobe while cloaked in the flag doesn’t make you a good citizen. 

 

One man’s grits is another man’s polenta. 

 

God loves everybody. At least that’s what she tells us. 

 

The Washington Senators

Hey Chip!

Chip!

You ever see the Washington Senators?

No, me either.

They died before we were born

only to be resurrected

and become two other teams

and then they came back as their mediocre self

only to crumble into another franchise.

Big Train pitched for them, Chip.

I wished we coulda seen him.

He pitched for years

before he ever made it to the World Serious

i mean Series

Seriously,

Walter Johnson probably broke a lot of barn doors

with that fastball.

I dunno, Chip

I dunno, Chip,

The beauty of it all

Baseball, I mean.

I just watched a shortstop make an unreal play

Like a ballerina

Without the make-up.

I wish they played it

Three-hundred-sixty games a year

I guess I could go to Santo Domingo

To watch winter ball

They play their asses off down there

But maybe the magic would dissipate

And I would have to become a sports writer

To be able to see baseball on boxing day.

 

this is a baseball

Chip,

 this is a baseball.

the baseball game is one of the best things ever given to mankind

prometheus ascended a mountain to grab fire

only to be over wrought with eternal pain

he should have found a baseball

and a sandlot

with 17 friends,

or 15, if you want to cut off right field.

you should have played with us

in the beauty of Prospect Park

a bigger ball, sure,

but it don’t come at you so quickly

as a Walter Johnson heater

Chip

pay attention to the game

and woe to you when it’s gone

like hornsby said

he just waits for spring

to play baseball again

everything else is bunk.

Sandy Koufax

What about Sandy Koufax, Chip?

Like Jesus, he is Jewish

Wouldn’t pitch game one  of the World Series

Because of the high holy days

Hank Greenberg did the same thing

And Durocher yelled at him.

But Sandy Braun, that was he real last name

He grew up in Brooklyn

You know how I like Brooklyn, Chip.

Then he gets to play with the Dodgers

Only he stinks up the joint

Bonus baby and all

And walks as many as he strikes out.

No control, but blazing fastball

Nineteen-sixty-three, he starts to dominate

Striking out almost as many people

As there are  days in the year.

That mensch struck out

Two thousand three hundred ninety-six batters

And he retired when he was thirty.

 

The Long Relief Pitcher

The long relief pitcher, Chip.

Is there any other athletic position less glorified?

Maybe a football nose tackle

Or someone running with a strange stick

On a lacrosse field.

But the long-innings guy,

You gotta feel for him.

He was probably a star in his high-school team

And had grandiose hopes

Of becoming a star in the bigs

You gotta think big, Chip.

Aim for the asteroid belt

And if you hit a cumulus cloud

You’ve done better than most of us.

 

The long man on the staff

He is in a strange position

His coaches don’t think he has the starter stuff

And can’t blow past the other team

In the ninth inning.

He waits in limbo

Silently hoping a starter goes down

So he can go out every fifth day

But that opportunity rarely comes.

He settles to toil in innings

Where his team is well ahead

Or hopelessly behind.

The molasses games of August

When your team is down

Thirteen to one

In the sixth

That’s when he heavy heat strikes down

To describe your position as a pitcher.

They don’t get the glory

But at least it’s baseball.

Jam Session Etiquette

A USER’S GUIDE TO JAZZ JAM SESSIONS

The concept of a jam session is simple: Musicians who may or may not have played together before get together to play songs they know. It is an unrehearsed situation, and every player has to be alert. Here are some tips to make your next jam session experience better for you and everyone else.

First, know the tunes. There are many fake books and lead sheets with basic standard songs, and it’s best to learn as many of these as possible, and in several keys. If you sit in on any session and don’t know the tune, you will most likely flub your turn in the sun and possibly incur the wrath of the other musicians. Know the melody, chord changes, and form. If you don’t know a tune they call out, and you can’t ask for a tune you do know, then DON’T PLAY.

Be able to play in the tempo they count off.

Don’t overplay, show off, or take too many choruses. Other people have to play too.

If you are in the rhythm section, your main job is to accompany the soloist. You are supposed to make that person sound better. It’s not the time to drown out the soloist, no matter how great you think you are playing.

If you are a horn player, don’t go off to the corner and noodle while other people are playing.

Elementary school taught us not to talk too much in class. Don’t play over someone else’s solo, or noodle in between tunes.

Be ready to go when it is your turn to play. Being wishy-washy about any approach will lead to musical mediocrity.

Don’t get visibly mad at other players, even if they sound like a pack of egrets in heat. Smile, don’t frown. Or at least keep a straight face.

If you plan to trade fours with the drummer, most seasoned players will know what is going on. You can also hold out four fingers and motion to the drummer. Hand motions work better than yelling over a tenor solo.

IF YOU ARE CALLING A TUNE

Call a song that everybody knows. If you have a chart, that is fine, but it’s best to call fairly well-known standard songs. Just because you know a tune doesn’t mean everyone else does.

Pay attention to what types of tunes were played before you. You don’t want to play a tune just like the previous one, much less a tune that has already been played.

Stay away from long ballads. Time is of the essence. Slow songs last longer, and if you have several horn players, they will want to play, and then you have a twenty-minute ballad that drags on. Ballads are fine if there are only one or two soloists.

Know your keys. This is especially important for a singer. Nothing frustrates musicians more that a lackadaisical singer with no idea what key he or she sings in.