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WHAT THE SOUTH SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE NORTH

November 20, 2013

THINGS THE SOUTH SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE NORTH

 

We really don’t see the point of NASCAR.

 

We don’t understand how you manage to elect inept and uninformed politicians. (Not like our are much better)

 

In general, we are better educated, have a higher standard of living, have fewer children out of wedlock, and have fewer citizens on welfare. 

 

We don’t want your guns, as we have our own. But we aren’t always happy about what you shoot at. 

 

Ohio and Florida are practically the same state. 

 

Not like we’re perfect, but you could treat your women and minorities better.

 

Jesus preached love, kindness, and tolerance. For Yankees too. 

 

And Jesus was a Jew. 

 

Those white sheets make YOU look inferior. 

 

General Sherman was an underachiever. 

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You guys broke away from us in the Civil War. We wanted to keep us together. By the way, that was one hundred fifty years ago. 

 

Lincoln was a great president. John Wilkes Booth was a demented assassin. 

 

Some of the Old Testament seems fairly ludicrous in the day and age.  Can you take Leviticus seriously?

 

We have country people too. 

 

We will usually favor Willie over whatever twang with a hat Nashville is throwing at us.

 

And we tend to like the old country music. 

 

Not all people are equal, but everyone should be treated equally. 

 

Everyone’s a little bit redneck.

 

We love your cuisine, but not the bulging waistlines and clogged arteries we get from it. 

 

Incest is not a family right or privilege. It’s just plain wrong. 

 

Some of your accents make you sound dignified and refined. Other accents make you sound like an undeveloped troglodyte. 

 

Yes, we love football too.

 

You have produced some of the greater people, ideas, and things in the history of the world. Please don’t let your negative history overshadow them. 

 

We trust government a little more than you do, but not by much.

 

It is impolite to beat your wives, children , and animals. 

 

We secretly adore your drive-thru liquor stores. Your drive-thru gun shops; not so much. 

 

Larry the Cable isn’t very funny.

 

And why is the Duck Dynasty family and Honey Boo Boo even on the air?

 

Mexicans are our friends, and they probably work harder than you do. 

 

Homophobia is a choice. Homosexuality is not. Do you think gays really want to be bullied and chastised?

 

Bacon has no equal.

 

The Confederate flag may be a source of pride for you, but to us it is a symbol of racism, ignorance, and intolerance. 

 

The people in the Northeast can be rude because it gets pretty darn cold and hot there.

 

That said, your summers can be brutal.

 

Not all of us like really sweet tea.

 

The apprentice class that came to the South four hundred years ago is exactly in the same socio-economic standing today. No other immigrant group in America can claim such a lack of upward mobility. 

 

Why wear a cowboy hat if you don’t have any cattle?

 

Republicans don’t always stand up for the little guy. Not like Democrats are much better. 

 

No one loves the welfare state, but not every citizen has the same abilities and advantages in life. And you have more of those people. 

 

Jews are not inherently evil. And they don’t have horns and eat Christian babies. 

 

Canada may be America’s hat, but Mexico is not America’s colon. 

 

We won the war, and we’ll win again if you want to have another go at it.

 

The Northeast and the Midwest have produced more serial killers than the South. o you’ve got that going for you.

 

California really is nice, thus, the people are nice. Even if all that sun and weed tweaks their brains. 

 

Thomas Jefferson freed his slaves before he died. And slavery is still illegal in America.

 

Meth is bad. We’ve got it here too, but we don’t call it hillbilly heroin. 

 

Being a patriot makes you a good citizen . Being a violent xenophobe while cloaked in the flag doesn’t make you a good citizen. 

 

One man’s grits is another man’s polenta. 

 

God loves everybody. At least that’s what she tells us. 

 

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One Comment
  1. 😄 permalink

    I’m sorry you feel bullied. As a fellow Northerner, I have Zero-Tolerance for homophiliacs.

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